smell my finger.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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