i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
My ass is underappreciated
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
