I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize