That's when you crack a 10am beer
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
