peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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