i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
