I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize