Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
