Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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