I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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