Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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