We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
These tits shall not be calmed
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
