i think i recognize dicks better than faces
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
