Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
