Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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