at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
