Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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