I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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