I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We are all done wearing pants today
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
