I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
