I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
