remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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