On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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