Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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