After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
