Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
