You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
