made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
