just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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