I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
