I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Boobs speak an international language.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
