State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
