Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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