I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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