mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We are two peas in an std pod
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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