Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
