I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
