Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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