For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
