I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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