I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
