judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
