i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
