There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
