I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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