Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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