i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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