You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
