why didn't you poke me back
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize