Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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