If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
zippers are such a cool invention
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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