Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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