My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
