I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize