4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
