Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I am one with the molecules
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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