Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Is it penis luge time yet?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
i need some magic done to my vagina
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
