Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize